you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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