And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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