I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
