So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
