my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Randomize
