One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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