Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
