Just fell off a train. Bad.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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