Can i not drive my cunt home
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
