Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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