Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
