3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
