you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
