I think I died a long time ago.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
