nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Randomize
