I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
