She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
