Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
