you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
