Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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