"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
