i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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