I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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