party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
