guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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