sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
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we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
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He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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