i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
