3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
