he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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