How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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