Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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