She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You are a genius and a whore.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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