he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
