hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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