It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
