so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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