just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
