I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
