I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
