I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
