dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
How does one acquire holy water?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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