so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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