I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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