Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm like, not good at living.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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