he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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