Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
