quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
