I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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