How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
