I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
