I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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