i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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