she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
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Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
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It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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