That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
