wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
