My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
