I threw up into my coffee this morning.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
